


Ready Yet

by Miss_Paint



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Getting Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 01:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Paint/pseuds/Miss_Paint
Summary: “Do you want me to say what you need to hear or what I think you want to hear?”“...Tell me the truth.”“I think you might be in love with the idea of Jeno,” Donghyuck felt his heart drop. “More so than you are in love with Jeno himself.”—Through Jeno, Donghyuck learns the truth about falling in love.





	Ready Yet

**Author's Note:**

> This is a spin-off to my [Renmin AU](https://twitter.com/hellorenjuns/status/1097873275433041921/) on twitter. You can read this work alone but reading the AU would help give a little more context clues. ^^
> 
> For clarity,  
> Past - junior year (fall)  
> Present - junior year to senior year (spring to summer)  
> Future - senior year (spring to summer)

_｡.:*♡ in the past. ♡*:.｡_

“ _He_ ’s your roommate?”

Renjun looked up from his phone in the most lifeless manner that Donghyuck had ever witnessed to look at the man in question across the library hall. Once Renjun realised who exactly Donghyuck was talking about, he quickly turned his attention back to his phone and gave Donghyuck a disapproving look. “He's weird,” Renjun started. “He's really cold and all he does is play games, eat, play games again, go to the bathroom, sleep, wake up, and then… repeat.”

“Does he not go to class or something?” Donghyuck asked, intently watching Renjun’s roommate type furiously on his laptop, occasionally stopping to flip a page of the textbook propped next to his laptop.

Renjun shrugged. “I don't know. I don't talk to him, like, at all. The most we've talked was about dorm cleaning. Literally.”

Donghyuck snorted in response. “That's pretty sad, Injun. I think you should try to get to know him more, you've been roommates for what, a month? And you'll be roommates for who knows how long?”

“That's easy for you to say when you've got a whole place to yourself,” Renjun retorted. “And whatever, it's junior year. He'll probably be off doing his internship soon anyway so I won’t have to deal with him.”

“You know, you're the one saying that he's cold but in reality you're the cold one,” Donghyuck pointed out, to which Renjun gave an unamused expression. “And don't you think he looks… cute?”

Renjun looked up from his phone again. “ _Cute_?” Renjun repeated for emphasis. “Yeah, sure, if you're looking for the real life version of the _Moai statue_.”

Donghyuck laughed out loud, earning a sharp warning bell from the librarian. He quickly composed himself and whispered to Renjun, “Fuck off, you're mean. He's cute. Maybe I should talk to him.”

“Honestly, go for it,” Renjun said. “You'd be doing him a favor by adding a new component into his daily routine.”

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

What started out as a simple, naive crush eventually turned into something more. Admittedly, Donghyuck was always attracted to Lee Jeno but he never really took action upon his crush until the spring semester of his junior year. He supposed the inevitable surrender of his heart to Lee Jeno (and, as dramatic as it sounds, Donghyuck couldn’t think of any other way to phrase it) all began that time Jeno brought him back to his dorm after a night when Donghyuck became a bit too happy with the free flowing drinks at a party.

“I brought us brunch,” Donghyuck was greeted with a bright smile and a brown paper takeout bag, courtesy to Lee Jeno, who was standing right outside of his dorm. “I figured you’d need some sustenance.”

Donghyuck’s response was nothing but a stunned stare, earning a chuckle from Jeno. “You don’t remember anything, do you?”

“Remember what?” Sure, Jeno was cute, but if anything happened the night before while he was barely in his right mind...

“Oh, wait, no, I think you’ve got the wrong idea,” Jeno quickly said, panic slowly setting in his eyes. “You got pretty smashed last night and Renjun wasn’t there to take care of you so… I did. I brought you back here so you could rest and I hope you don’t mind that I kinda slept on your sofa because I was also dying… uh, and then I woke up before you did and thought why not get the both of us food? And… yeah, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“Huh,” Donghyuck said stupidly.

“Yeah,” Jeno replied, and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “Uh… So I hope that’s all… okay?”

 _Okay?_ Donghyuck thought to himself. Not only is Jeno handsome, he’s also apparently an angel sent from above. _I’m fucking in love._

And from then on, Donghyuck was blessed. Later on, as if the spring gods had listened to him, Donghyuck was graced with the opportunity to work with the university’s dance team for a collaboration with his play to present on the Spring Arts Festival. Not only was this an indication that Donghyuck’s hard work balancing his studies and his activities with the theatre organization had paid off, it was an opportunity for him to get closer to Lee Jeno, who apparently was one of the co-captains of the dance team.

It wasn’t a secret - at least not to Donghyuck, nor to his best friend Renjun, and eventually even his best friend’s not-so-secret soon-to-be romantic interest, Jaemin - that Donghyuck had been harbouring a crush on Jeno since… Well, since a long time ago.

Now that he has the chance to be closer with Jeno, he’s been milking every opportunity to be with him.

With Renjun getting closer to Jaemin (to which Renjun defends that it’s solely because of their paired project, and Donghyuck counters by telling Renjun that it’s more than a project but rather a case of sparks flying between the two of them, much to the misguided disgust of Renjun), and the preparation for the festival’s showcase, Jeno and Donghyuck quickly became each other’s daily routine.

Even with their own busy schedules, Donghyuck and Jeno would make time to see each other, even if it was only for half a second. If Donghyuck wanted someone to accompany him for a meal, Jeno was there. If Donghyuck sought to watch a movie at the cinemas, Jeno would be ready with the tickets. If Donghyuck wanted to relax at the parks, Jeno was already prepared with snacks for them to eat. If Donghyuck and Jeno weren’t together because of the festival’s rehearsals, then they were together out of their own volition.They saw each other almost every day, and Donghyuck was falling and falling even more.

“What do you even see in him?” grumbled Renjun one day, after a long-winded session about how bitter Renjun was that Donghyuck barely spared his own best friend a minute of the day, citing the importance of ‘ _bros before hoes_ ’.

What _did_ Donghyuck see in him?

Beyond the attractive looks that Jeno possesses, Donghyuck slowly but surely fell in love with Jeno’s charming personality. Donghyuck loved the way Jeno was essentially… the perfect man. Jeno was kind and caring; he was compassionate, not only with Donghyuck, but with everyone else as well. At first glance, Jeno’s the type who radiates cool, intimidating energy, but in truth, Jeno is actually a kind-hearted person. Donghyuck vividly remembered how Jeno would stay back after rehearsals just to ensure that everyone was well-prepared and well-rested for the upcoming show, and how his heart would skip a beat every time he watched Jeno’s caring expressions as he tended to his fellow dance members.

Donghyuck also recalled the time both of them laid on a picnic mat in the park one night, sharing snippets about themselves. In nature, in silence, and in love, Lee Donghyuck felt his heart grow fonder for Lee Jeno. He listened as Jeno rambled on about his interests - his strong fascination for gaming, his affinity for the literary arts, his passion for dance, and what struck Donghyuck the most: his love for cats, even with his severe allergies.

“They're so majestic, Hyuckie,” Donghyuck recalled Jeno muse out loud. “In truth, words can’t explain what a gift cats are to mankind.”

“But you're allergic,” Donghyuck interjected, to which Jeno hummed in response.

“Sometimes, you need to fight for the best things in life.”

Notwithstanding Donghyuck's perception of Jeno's perfection, Donghyuck also fell in love with the perfect imperfections Jeno has. Donghyuck absolutely adored the way Jeno would crack unfunny jokes at times (promoting Donghyuck to laugh not out of amusement, but pity), the way Jeno was too gullible for his own good, the way Jeno's clumsiness would occasionally get him into trouble, and perhaps more importantly, the way Jeno would sulk when he didn't get the attention he wanted, which aligned very well with how Donghyuck too, craved attention.

In all honesty, Jeno was just Donghyuck’s ideal type of man. Tall, handsome, smart, kind, a bit goofy and dorky; he was just perfect.

So, what did Donghyuck see in Jeno?

 _Everything_.

But to Renjun, Donghyuck simply said, “He's hot, kind, smart, and he gives me attention.”

Renjun scoffed in response. “What, like I'm not any of those?”

“You have Jaemin for that,” Donghyuck retorted, standing up in preparation for Renjun's inevitable attack.

“How-” _slap_ “-many-” _kick_ “-times-” _shove_ “-do I have to say that we are just friends!”

Eventually, weeks passed and soon, Donghyuck found himself watching the festival's ending firework show, his hand in Jeno's, with the sinking realization that he really was in love with Jeno and had absolutely no clue what to do about it. A while back, Jaemin eventually became more of a friend to confide to rather than a mutual friend of Jeno's and Renjun's, encouraged Hyuck to make the first move between the two of them. After all, it became increasingly obvious that they both liked each other — it was just a matter of who would step up first.

His thoughts were cut short when the two of them ran into Renjun and Jaemin themselves, which birthed some suspicions from Donghyuck. After they realised that they needed to find their other friends, Chenle and Jisung, Jeno and Renjun took initiative to find them, and left Jaemin and Donghyuck alone.

“I like Renjun,” Donghyuck remembered Jaemin confessing, which prompted a mini celebration from Donghyuck, much to the other boy’s dismay. Donghyuck was so confident that the time Jaemin and Renjun spent together was more than just two partners working on a project (which Renjun constantly insisted). The two of them continued to bicker with each other as to what Jaemin should do. Jaemin regrettably decided that he should do absolutely nothing, only to be interrupted by a loud, high-pitched squeal from one of the platform stages.

“May I have everyone's attention?”

“Oh my god, is that Jeno?” Jaemin asked in surprise, and surely enough, Jeno was up on the stage, standing in front of a mic stand, two hands holding a sunflower bouquet.

As Donghyuck and Jaemin rushed towards the stage, a million thoughts were his head. _What is Jeno doing? Is this part of the festival? What_ is _going on?_

“Donghyuck!” His thoughts were interrupted by Renjun, who had the overly excited Chenle and Jisung next to him. “Thank goodness you're here!”

“What's going on? The festival is over, there's no more scheduled performances anymore!”

“Shut up and wait!”

“Renjun, what's—”

“Lee Donghyuck,” Jeno's voice boomed across the quad, and if there wasn't an audience before, there certainly was now. Donghyuck's eyes first flitted across the people surrounding him with inquisitive stares and astonished whisperings, to Renjun, Chenle, Jaemin and Jisung excitedly giggling among themselves, then lastly to Jeno, who cleared his throat before speaking again. “I'm… uh—”

“—You can do this Jeno!” Donghyuck heard Chenle shout nearby, starting another series of enthusiastic musing from the audience.

“Remember that horrible evening last year when it was raining like crazy?” Jeno started after taking a deep breath, and the audience, including Donghyuck, silenced themselves to listen. “There was so much thunder and lightning and the rain was so unbearable that even using an umbrella or a raincoat was useless. I was walking back from a tedious lecture and at some point I decided that it was impossible for me to go back to the dorms so I went to wait in Cherry Bomb Cafe.

“Everyone in the café seemed to have the same idea — let's all take refuge here in the meantime! — and so did you. But you… While everyone's mood seemed dampened by the situation you still… You walked in as if you brought in sunshine. As if you were the light I needed in that gloomy, dark rain. I know, I know, I sound super cheesy now don't I?

“But it's true. You're my sun, Lee Donghyuck. Ever since then I've always been drawn to you, I was so curious about you… And now we've been getting closer and it's like I've known you all my life. Hyuck, I don't know if this is too soon. If I'm wrong for saying this. But to hell with it, I love you, Donghyuck.

“I love everything about you. From your sun-kissed skin, to the little moles on your face, the way you're not afraid to speak up your mind, the way you're so passionate about your interests, the way you fight for everything you want, even the way you sass me sometimes… I love it all, I love all the moments we have each other, I love you and I want nothing more but to be with you until the end.

“In my hand I'm holding a sunflower bouquet… Not only is it a representation of you but it's a representation of _me_. I’m the sunflower, you’re the sun and I'll always be drawn to you, much like how sunflowers always grow towards the sun. These are yours if… If you'd like to be the sun to my sunflower. Would you give me the honour of being mine?”

“Oh my god,” Jaemin whispered nearby. “I had no idea Jeno had _this_ in him.”

“What are you waiting for, moron?!” Renjun urgently pushed Donghyuck towards the stage. “Answer him!”

Everyone around Donghyuck had the same idea as Renjun, forming a path for him to step on the stage. A few transient moments later, Donghyuck found himself in front of Jeno, who was standing there with both hands holding tightly on the bouquet, looking at Donghyuck with wide, glowing but anxious eyes.

“Hyuckie?” Jeno whispered, seeking a response from Donghyuck.

There were no words that Donghyuck could use to respond.

Instead, Donghyuck pulled Jeno closer by the collar, and did nothing but kiss him, hoping that that was a sufficient response for Jeno.

(Jeno, in a fit of surprise, dropped the bouquet, bringing out Chenle's disappointment — “Those were expensive!”)

Surely enough, it was. Shortly after, the crowd burst in chaos. Donghyuck could faintly hear the cheers from his friends in the audience. But in that moment, at that time and place, nothing mattered more to Donghyuck than Lee Jeno. He was in love.

_｡.:*♡ in the past. ♡*:.｡_

Lee Donghyuck was in distress.

Not only was he colossally fucked by the workload that hit him this fall semester, Donghyuck was drenched head to toe from the pouring rain. As if it wasn't enough to suffer through the most boring organic chemistry lecture, thanks to his more difficult than necessary plant science major. Donghyuck still had to balance his theatre extracurriculars since he took on the opportunity to write a play, in hopes that it'd be selected for the upcoming Spring Arts Festival.

“Professor Park needs to understand that some of us have a fucking life outside of Advanced Organic Chemistry II,” Donghyuck grumbled into his phone as he walked through the campus, clinging to the roofed areas to avoid the rain to no avail. “Maybe this is my punishment for pursuing _science_ in this scam of a program that we call university.”

“Hyuck,” Donghyuck heard Renjun's voice from the other end loud and clear, a definite indicator that unlike every other poor student out here with Donghyuck, Renjun was enjoying the privilege of being indoors, dry and definitely not as pathetic as Donghyuck was. “Why don't you hang up and call me later? It's raining and your phone is getting wet.”

Renjun was right, his phone was getting wet. However, Donghyuck wasn't about to take that as a sign to stop complaining his heart out to his best friend. “Ever since you agreed to be my best friend—”

“—I never agreed, fuckass—”

“—You are subjected to provide emotional support whenever I need it. Whenever is now. So please, for the love of Moomin or whatever you worship, let me rant.”

“I hear you, and I'm letting you rant,” Renjun replied. “But what I am iffy about is your phone. It's gonna break under the rain, and lord knows Chenle’s not going to listen to you begging him for a new phone.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, as if Renjun was there to witness how tired Donghyuck was of him. “It won't break,” Donghyuck stressed out. “My phone is waterproof.”

“iPhones are not waterproof, fool.”

“They aren’t?”

“No!”

Donghyuck sighed. “Then that's another thing to complain about, isn't it? How I seem to attract everything that's a _scam_.”

Renjun laughed out loud in response. “You know, I read a piece about the _Law of Attraction_. It's about how you attract the things you think you attract. So if you're out here thinking that you attract everything that's a scam, it's because you're willing to.”

“Do me a favour and date someone taking psychology or something,” Donghyuck muttered. “You'll learn a thing or two about _legitimate_ psychology _and_ it'll be a nice break from the flings you're so fond of. Hello commitment!”

As a response, Renjun let out an affronted expression. “Shut up about that! That was a thing of the past and we shall not bring it up again.”

“Hmm, sure,” Donghyuck said noncommittally. Although Renjun’s anti-commitment tendencies were rare nowadays, Donghyuck was not above using it as ‘leverage’for Renjun hiding an actual relationship he was in until they broke up. Both Renjun and Donghyuck bonded with their pettiness, but Donghyuck couldn't help but be extra bitter because the only time Renjun settled in a relationship instead of settling with stray one night stands, he didn't know a single thing about it.

As he opened his mouth to speak again, Donghyuck heard a faint chime on his phone. He removed his phone against his ear to check, only to see the notification on his droplet covered screen that his phone was running on 5% battery. “Well shit.”

“What?”

“My phone's going to die soon.”

“Oh, that is shit,” Renjun hummed in agreement. “Is there no place you can seek refuge in?”

Donghyuck took a moment to register his surroundings. Luckily enough, his seemingly useless strolling around campus had purpose, and fortunately brought him in close proximity to Cherry Bomb Cafe, well loved by the students of NCT University, but at the same time scorned for how overpriced it was. “I see Cherry Bomb.”

“Go there! Charge your phone and dry up. Get me some macarons while you're waiting for the rain to go away too.”

With that, Donghyuck and Renjun exchanged their goodbyes (or more specifically, Donghyuck and Renjun told each other to fuck off before Donghyuck promptly hung up), and Donghyuck rushed to the cafe. Thankfully, the café wasn't too crowded, unlike Donghyuck's expectations for the cafe look like a shelter for lost students, but it was still surrounded with like-minded students and even some professors who just wanted to get out of the damn rain.

Ignoring everyone around him, Donghyuck walked straight to the cashier booth, tended by none other than one of Renjun's favourite seniors, Sicheng. “What do you recommend?” Donghyuck asked, and Sicheng pointed at the new sign placed on top of the counter.

“Wintermelon shake,” Sicheng read out loud. “Size?”

“Regular,” Donghyuck responded.

“Regular, huh?”

“Oh, and a box of the six piece assorted macarons. I'll bring it for Renjun. Also please let me charge my phone.”

Sicheng promptly nodded and Donghyuck paid for what he bought. Instead of finding a place to sit, Donghyuck decided to stay by the counter and chat with Sicheng while he waited for his order. Sicheng and Donghyuck were never particularly _close_ , their friendship mostly built on the fact that they were both close to Renjun, but nonetheless Donghyuck enjoyed their occasional talks, which sometimes were laced with gossip from their respective friend circles.

“Here's your shake and macarons,” Sicheng announced, handing Donghyuck his order after listening to Donghyuck rant about his professors. Donghyuck took his order and started sipping on his shake while looking through the box of macarons, picking out the flavours that he knew Renjun wouldn't like.

“By the way,” Sicheng interrupted, eyes boring through whatever was behind Donghyuck. “Do you know that guy?”

Donghyuck stopped sipping on his shake and looked at Sicheng in confusion. “Which guy?” Donghyuck asked, not bothering to look away from the café counter.

“The guy who's been staring at you the entire time you've been here.”

In full-blown curiosity, Donghyuck turned his head to see what Sicheng was talking about, only to see someone quickly jerk their head back away.

Once Donghyuck realized, he let out a slight gasp. “Oh my god,” Donghyuck frantically whispered, turning back to Sicheng. “That's Renjun's roommate, Jeno... Sicheng! This whole time you didn't tell me?”

Sicheng shrugged his shoulders. “I didn't know it mattered,” Sicheng said nonchalantly. “So do you know him?”

“Barely,” Donghyuck responded. “I only know of him because of Renjun.”

“Does he know you?”

 _Does he?_ “I don't know,” Donghyuck replied truthfully. “We've never talked. Maybe he knows of me?”

“Looks like he wants to know you rather than know _of_ you.” Sicheng pointed out, and for some reason Donghyuck felt his heartbeat rapidly speed up. “He's staring again, do you know that? Maybe you should come up to him. A date with him here, in this antique coffee shop.”

“Don't be ridiculous,” Donghyuck said, fighting the urge to turn back. In all honesty, Donghyuck wasn't sure why he was so flustered with Jeno and his apparent staring.

… Alright, maybe he knew why.

Ever since Donghyuck first witnessed Renjun's roommate in the library, Donghyuck was in awe. It's not like Donghyuck believed in _love in first sight_ or even saw Jeno at all after that one, first time, but Donghyuck was so mesmerised by how… good looking Jeno was. Donghyuck never really entertained the thought afterwards, especially with the lack of enthusiasm that Renjun showed after Donghyuck tried discussing it with him, but to indirectly run into him and have Jeno (reportedly) stare at him. Donghyuck felt that that was too intimidating — the physical paragon of perfection staring at Lee Donghyuck? What could Jeno possibly want?

Before Donghyuck could bring himself to another long-winded mental vortex about Jeno, Sicheng interrupted his thoughts. “I'll give you guys a discount if you take him on a date here,” Sicheng said, causing Donghyuck to roll his eyes. “and I'll give you a bigger discount if you bring Renjun and make him uncomfortable by third-wheeling your date.”

Now _that_ , Donghyuck would consider.

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

Donghyuck never thought that in his life, _he'd_ be the one third-wheeling a date. Apparently, to his absolute dismay, Donghyuck was proven wrong when he found himself sitting across his two friends celebrating their first year anniversary in an antique coffee shop.

“I'm so single,” Donghyuck whined, gaining an eye roll from his best friend and a pity smile from Renjun's boyfriend. “I can't believe you guys invited me to your date, much less your damn anniversary.”

“Excuse me?” Renjun scoffed. “We didn't invite you — you're the one who insisted on joining us. We were perfectly fine _without_ your presence.”

Jaemin hummed in agreement. “You did say that celebrating our anniversary here at Cherry Bomb with you would the best option.”

Donghyuck groaned in response, knowing that his friends won their little argument. “That was when I thought their third wheeling promo was a good idea,” Donghyuck defended himself. “Free food for the third wheeler? Sue me.”

“Well then enjoy your free food and shut up about the third wheeling.” Renjun snapped. As Donghyuck opened his mouth to retort, Renjun's phone lit up and started ringing. Upon knowing who was calling, Renjun stood up and prepared to leave the table. “It's Jeno. Be right back.”

In an instant, Donghyuck tried to ignore the hollow feeling that crept inside his heart as he heard Jeno's name. He was then met by a feeling of disappointment, unamused with himself. Even if it has been almost a year since their breakup, and it pained Donghyuck to admit it, the mere thought of Jeno was enough to dampen his mood.

Donghyuck would like to think that the months after were enough for him to train how he conveyed his emotions. He thought that if he couldn't shake off the uneasy feelings from thinking about Jeno, at least he should be able to hide it. To his dismay, however, his friends were a bit too perceptive for his liking.

“You do know he's coming back right?” Jaemin asked, a certain tone lingering in his question that Donghyuck was very eager to ignore.

He shrugged in response. “I knew of it.”

Donghyuck knew of it because in all honesty… he thought of it a lot. Avoiding Jeno was a pain especially considering that his best friend was roommates with him and was dating his own best friend. But once the news broke out that Jeno would be spending his last semester in an internship somewhere in Malaysia, Donghyuck felt immense relief that he would be able to walk around without feeling as if he was walking on eggshells. Eventually as time passed, Donghyuck realized that sooner or later, he’d have to face Jeno whether he’d like it or not.

“You guys still talk right?” Jaemin asked, and Donghyuck began to think about the appeal of jumping off a cliff rather than continuing their conversation.

“Yes,” Donghyuck replied curtly, to which Jaemin gave him an unamused look, prompting Donghyuck to curse Jaemin’s uncanny perceptiveness at times. “Sometimes.”

“ _Sometimes_.”

“Okay, not really,” Donghyuck begrudgingly admitted. “The last time we talked was when he tagged me in a post of a deer. A pudu or something. Oh, and when it was his birthday. I messaged him happy birthday.”

Jaemin rested his cheek on his hand and stared at Donghyuck, and Donghyuck couldn’t help but feel exposed. “You guys are okay right?” When Donghyuck gave him a blank look as a response, Jaemin sighed and spoke again. “I’m asking because Jeno’s probably calling Junnie for his ‘welcome back’ party.”

Donghyuck intuited where Jaemin was going with what he was saying, and he decided he did not like it. “What does that have to do with me?”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Do you want to come?” Jaemin asked, though his delivery of his question fell flat with Donghyuck's apathetic shrug. “I'm asking again, because I know he wants you there.”

“If he wants me there, then he should've talked to me about it.” Donghyuck was resolute in his words, though a part of him was aware of the slight hypocrisy that he was presenting. He thought of how rich it was that Donghyuck was stressing the importance of communication with Jeno's welcome back gathering when he himself, and his inability to be vulnerable with Jeno was one of the reasons of their downfall.

Donghyuck tried to suppress the thoughts coming up in his mind, the thoughts berating and critiquing him, telling himself that if Donghyuck just made an effort, even an _ounce_ of effort, then Donghyuck wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe Donghyuck would still be with Jeno. Maybe they would have done all the activities they have promised to do together. And maybe, just maybe, Donghyuck wouldn't be pathetically accompanying his friends on their one year anniversary.

“Honestly,” Jaemin's raspy voice cut in, putting a halt in what would be another case of Donghyuck's spiralling thoughts about life, and more particularly his ex, Lee Jeno. “I know you're probably... uneasy with this whole situation,”

 _Understatement_ _of the year_ , Donghyuck thought bitterly.

“So if you don't want to come, or you feel that you can't, it's okay,” Jaemin said softly. “I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Donghyuck stared at his nearly empty glass for a moment. “Who—” Donghyuck cleared his throat. “Who's going to be there?”

Jaemin pursed his lips in thought. “Me and Renjun. Chenle and Jisung. Oh and Mark. Some of his dance friends, like Hyunjin and Yeji? Honestly, I don't know.”

“But, like, are there going to be a lot of people?” Donghyuck reasoned to himself that if the party was crowded, then surely he could hide himself in the crowd and minimise any solo interaction with Jeno.

“Yes, probably,” Jaemin answered. “That's why Jeno's calling Renjun, to see if Renjun could get some tables at The Playground.”

“The Playground? Like, the club?” Donghyuck repeated for clarification, and as if on cue, Renjun joined them back to their table.

“What about The Playground?” Renjun asked in the middle of adjusting himself in his seat. “Are you guys talking about Jeno's party? Shouldn't you know about the details already by now?”

“Should I?”

“Yes! He sent an invite, didn't he?”

“He didn't.”

Renjun's face scrunched in confusion. “He said he did.”

“Well, he didn't,” As he said that, Donghyuck started considering the idea that perhaps Jeno _did_ invite him, but because Donghyuck muted all of his chats with Jeno, he most likely did not see the invite. Perhaps that's why they only kept in touch through social media comments of trifling happy birthdays and tagged posts, because Donghyuck never really knew how to prevent sometime from interacting through comments. “He probably didn't.”

“I could've sworn he did…” Renjun mumbled to himself before raising his voice at a normal volume. “Well are you going?”

 _Always the charmingly direct one_ , Donghyuck thought of Renjun. “Maybe,” Donghyuck decided to say. “We'll see.”

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

Donghyuck and Jeno saw each other everyday.

After Jeno asked Donghyuck out (in a way that had NCT U students buzz about it for a few weeks), both of them readily accepted each other’s presence in their lives. It was more or less what they were like before they became official, except now, Donghyuck’s enjoying a lot more benefits.

For one, Donghyuck’s single dorm was more often than not occupied by not only Donghyuck, but Jeno as well, inciting Renjun to dramatically announce that Jeno has moved out of their shared dorms.

“Right after we got closer too…”

“He’s still your roommate, dummy. He just comes over a lot.”

Renjun ignored him. “Sometimes I can still hear his voice…”

For another, Donghyuck always had someone to talk to. Donghyuck was always a particularly talkative individual with too many things in his mind and too little outlets to unleash his thoughts to. Donghyuck had a lot of friends, sure, but even if he wanted to constantly chat with someone, Donghyuck would still feel burdened by the possibility of him annoying other people too much. Even with his closest friends, Donghyuck still felt that deep down, he was being annoying. His best friend Renjun was always beautifully direct with his words, in a way that Donghyuck would never have to worry if Renjun secretly hated him or not, but sometimes there were times that Donghyuck didn’t want to bother his best friend _too much_. His other closest friend, Mark, was all the way on the other side of the world for an internship, and even if he wasn’t, Mark was always the type of student who lived and breathed being busy.

But with Jeno, Donghyuck never felt that burden of being too annoying or too chatty, because as it turned out, Jeno was the perfect match for Donghyuck. Jeno, the warm-hearted man he is, always felt the need to check in Donghyuck, entertaining and encouraging whatever rambles that Donghyuck had for the day. At the same time, Jeno certainly was not as talkative as Donghyuck, but he always made an effort to share what was going in his life with Donghyuck as well.

Donghyuck was more of a talker, while Jeno was more of a doer. Donghyuck would go on a stray tangent on how he craved a wintermelon shake, and later on, Jeno would surprise Donghyuck with one. On the other hand, Jeno would sometimes overwork himself with dance and his literature major, and Donghyuck would be the one verbally reminding him to take care of himself.

Another thing to point out for how well Donghyuck and Jeno balanced each other out was how Donghyuck allowed Jeno to be more free-spirited and adventurous while Jeno taught Donghyuck serenity and to be more grounded. Jeno and Donghyuck were pretty opposite when it comes to their preferences at times — such as, if given the choice to stay in or go out, Jeno would wholeheartedly choose to stay on his bed for the day, while Donghyuck would opt to explore the world. Sooner or later, they’ve reached an equilibrium where Jeno and Donghyuck would do the activities they individually liked to do, together.

Donghyuck felt at ease with Jeno that it was almost suspicious at how well they mesh together. But Donghyuck didn’t care. Jeno was smart, caring, and _hot_ , and dating him brought a lot of benefits for Donghyuck in all aspects of life. Lee Donghyuck was in love.

_｡.:*♡ in the past. ♡*:.｡_

“You live like this?”

Donghyuck evaluated Renjun’s dorm with piercing eyes. To put it bluntly — it was a mess. Books and papers were laid across every elevated surface that Donghyuck could see. Dirty laundry was hung throughout the dorm from the backrest of the chairs to the doorknobs. Skincare products could be found throughout the dorm, as if they were placed like Easter eggs for an Easter egg hunt. To Renjun and Jeno’s credit, it wasn’t _dirty_ (or at least, it didn’t look like it was), but it surely looked like a mini tornado came in to visit and the two roommates never bothered to fix the aftermath.

“Oh shut up,” Renjun said, tying his shoelaces. “It’s an organized mess. We have it worked out.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” Donghyuck said, watching as Renjun stood up from tying his shoelaces, giving Donghyuck a pointed look. As Renjun opened his mouth to say something, the doorbell rang, and Donghyuck shot Renjun a confused look. “Is that Yerim? Is she picking us up? I thought we were going to her place to pre-game.”

“We are,” Renjun clarified as he walked towards the door and checked through the peephole. Donghyuck witnessed Renjun let out a subtle sigh, topped with an eye-roll. “It’s Jeno.”

“Hey, he’s your roommate,” Donghyuck tried to ignore the feeling in his heart as he heard Jeno’s name. “You should try to be _friendly_ with him, like I’ve told you months ago.”

“I am _friendly_ , okay,” Renjun defended himself. “It’s not like we have to be best friends and besides, I feel like it’s hard to get close to him.”

Before Donghyuck could continue the conversation any further, Renjun opened the door, allowing Jeno to walk in with an apprehensive look on his face. “Oh,” Jeno awkwardly let out. “You guys are going out?”

And before Renjun could respond, Donghyuck stepped in and said, “Yes,” and because Donghyuck felt weirdly bold that night, he added on by saying, “do you want to join us?”

Donghyuck received two disbelieving stares — one from Renjun, a look that clearly screamed out ‘ _are you fucking kidding me?!_ ’, and another from Jeno, an expression that conveyed ‘ _wait are you being serious right now_?’

“Um…” Jeno responded after what Donghyuck felt was an eternity of awkward silence washed over the three of them. “Where are you guys going?”

“The Playground.” replied Renjun.

“The Playground?” Jeno repeated, then his face lit up in realization. “Oh, the club?”

Donghyuck nodded, expectantly waiting for Jeno’s response, only to be inevitably hit with disappointment. “Ah… um, I appreciate the invite, but I think I’ll just sit this one out…”

“Not your scene?” Donghyuck asked, and Jeno shrugged.

“No, not really…”

“That’s fine,” Donghyuck sincerely responded. “Not everyone’s fit for Renjun’s borderline alcoholism and obsession with going out.”

That earned Donghyuck a whack on the back of his head. “We’re college students, dumbass,” Renjun hissed. “I’m allowed to live like a college student.”

“Anyway,” Jeno said with a slight smile, seemingly amused with Renjun and Donghyuck’s antics. “Maybe we can hang out next time?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

Donghyuck wasn’t sure if he was just delusional, but he felt a slight moment going on when he and Jeno looked at each other with tentative, but warm smiles. Donghyuck was definitely enjoying the moment when Renjun, as charmingly direct as he can be, interrupted.

“Well this was a nice talk,” Renjun said in a way that Donghyuck deciphered as ‘ _let’s get the fuck out of here already_ ’ in Renjun language. “We better get going though.”

“Oh of course,” Jeno said, looking a bit dazed. “Have fun guys.”

Once Renjun and Donghyuck were of a reasonable distance away from the dorms, Renjun spoke up. “What was that all about?”

Donghyuck shrugged. “I mean... it doesn’t hurt to try to be friends, does it?”

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

Trying to be friends with Jeno after the breakup hurt.

This was a statement that held significance in closer, chronological proximity to the breakup, but it’s almost been a year and Donghyuck still felt the tug in his heart whenever he imagined a scenario where Jeno and Donghyuck would rekindle and actually be _friends_. Hell, imagining hurt, let alone actually _trying_ to be friends.

Donghyuck looked at his phone shakily as he mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do next. After third-wheeling Renjun and Jaemin’s anniversary, Donghyuck took approximately two and a half days to mull over what they discussed.

Even though Donghyuck knew that he had no rights to feel that way, he felt a bit offended that eventually, Renjun was the one who got closer to Jeno and is the one trying to get Donghyuck to be closer to Jeno, when initially, it was the other way around. With the way time allowed Donghyuck, Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun to form their own group of same-year friends (and at some point, a group where their hangouts would occasionally be double dates), Donghyuck and Jeno stressed the importance of not picking sides in the breakup.

Apparently, Renjun and Jaemin, the perfect couple as they are, perfectly synced up and perfectly respected Donghyuck and Jeno’s wishes. Jaemin, best friend to Jeno, remained close, if not became closer, to Donghyuck, while Renjun, best friend to Donghyuck, remained close, if not became closer, to Jeno. Donghyuck was perfectly aware that they were all respectable, mature adults who weren’t stuck in some winded high school drama where a breakup between mutual friends meant the end of the world, but sometimes, Donghyuck couldn’t shake off the petty bitterness of how everything turned out.

Finally, after some time of mental preparation (but in truth, after Donghyuck’s _‘talk to Jeno’_ alarm rang, which was already pathetic in its own concept itself), Donghyuck opened his chat with Jeno, and sure enough, there were texts from Jeno himself, inviting Donghyuck to his welcome back party.

**[18:49] Lee Jeno: Hey**

**[18:49] Lee Jeno: So uh… I don’t know if you’ll be interested in going but**

**[18:50] Lee Jeno: I’ll be returning from Malaysia soon and I’ll be having a welcome-back party type of thing**

**[18:51] Lee Jeno: Let me know if you’re interested**

**[18:55] Lee Jeno: Oh, and it’s in The Playground**

**[18:56] Lee Jeno: You can ask Renjun about it**

**[19:01] Lee Jeno: I hope to see you there.**

Donghyuck’s eye flickered to the date stamp, and as true to Renjun’s words, Jeno really did invite Donghyuck to this party… almost a week ago. If Donghyuck could pack up his things and head to the circus, he would. In honesty, Donghyuck thought he should, with the way he felt like a clown at that moment.

With shaky hands, uneven breathing, and an uncertain mindset, Donghyuck started typing on his phone’s keyboard.

**[22:32] oh my god, i was so busyyyy**

**[23:32] im so sorry for my late response wtf**

**[23:33] but yea renjun talked abt it w me**

**[23:34] and yea sure id love to go ^_^**

**[23:35] welcome back btwww!**

Donghyuck borderline felt disgusted with himself, first with the way he sounded so disingenuous with his texts, his texts dripping with plastic that almost made him vomit, and second with how Donghyuck, in the midst of his panicked, disingenous texting spree, actually said yes to going to the party.

And to make it worse, Jeno just happened to be online, the read receipt icon turning blue the nanosecond Donghyuck sends a message, as if Jeno was just waiting to receive one in the first place. Once Donghyuck was done with his messages, Donghyuck watched in fear as he watched his messaging app announce that Jeno was typing. Donghyuck braced himself for impact.

**[23:35] Lee Jeno: No worries :)**

**[23:36] Lee Jeno: I’m really excited to see you again**

**[23:36] Lee Jeno: And the others too haha**

**[23:36] lol**

Donghyuck sent with a cringe, which seemed to be the only way to send messages to Jeno in this situation.

**[23:37] Lee Jeno: Yeah hahaha**

**[23:37] Lee Jeno: I hope you’re doing well**

**[23:39] Lee Jeno: I missed you.**

_Oh god, not the full stop_ , Donghyuck frantically thought to himself. _Anything but the full stop_. _Fuck, why was Jeno like that? Why did he have to say that? What did he have to gain from saying that? Did Jeno want to get back together? After all these months? Fuck him. Men ain’t shit. Oh my god_.

And because Donghyuck was too preoccupied with his thoughts, it would take Donghyuck a little bit more time to realize that he never responded to Jeno’s message.

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

“You never responded to my message.”

Donghyuck watched as Jeno looked up from his phone, giving Donghyuck a confused look. It was the night of Jeno’s birthday, and the two just returned to Donghyuck’s dorm after a small celebration with the others. Donghyuck and Jeno were both on bed, on their phones, enjoying each other’s presence in comfortable silence, when Donghyuck realized that Jeno never responded to his lengthy, and truthfully overly cheesy, birthday text that Donghyuck sent at the crack of midnight.

When Donghyuck shared his thoughts on it, Jeno simply chuckled and set aside his phone on the bedside table. Jeno sat up from his lying position, and promptly hovered over a lying Donghyuck. “I’m sorry, love,” Jeno said breathlessly, and Donghyuck cursed himself for internally reacting so strongly with the way Jeno looked so handsome, eyes boring straight to Donghyuck’s with such pure intensity. “Did you want me to respond with a text?”

“I wanted you to acknowledge it, at least,” Donghyuck said pettily, and before he could say anything further, Jeno climbed on top of Donghyuck, swiftly swiping his phone off of his hands, placing it away from the two of them. On instinct, Donghyuck sat up straight, allowing Jeno to sit on Donghyuck’s lap facing him, with his arms wrapped around Jeno’s waist and Jeno’s arms comfortably around Donghyuck’s shoulders.

“I’m acknowledging it now,” Jeno said lightly, eye smiles included. Donghyuck never felt so overwhelmed. Jeno brought his lips to Donghyuck’s jawline, and started peppering kisses throughout, whispering to Donghyuck, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Oh my god,” Donghyuck said breathlessly, mindlessly throwing his head back, allowing Jeno to provide more kisses throughout his neck. “I love you.”

Donghyuck felt Jeno’s lips withdraw from Donghyuck’s skin, and before Donghyuck could whine, Jeno whispered closely to Donghyuck’s ear: “Is that adequate acknowledgment for you?”

Needless to say, Donghyuck later went to bed more than satisfied, heart beating and mind racing.

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

With a beating heart and a racing mind, Donghyuck helped Renjun clean his dorm, in preparation for Jeno’s return. Over time, Renjun thankfully mastered the art of keeping his dorm _tidy_ , a skill that was eventually perfected with the surprisingly constant nagging from Jaemin, and Jeno’s eventual absence in the dorm. But with Jeno’s absence came a dorm that became mostly tailored to Renjun, with a dash of Jaemin’s essence around. Out of respect for his roommate, Renjun decided to tidy up the dorm, forcing Donghyuck to help him, and prepare a ‘ _homey’_ setting for Jeno to return to.

However, Donghyuck wasn’t a fool. Donghyuck knew that Renjun had an agenda in inviting him over to help him clean his dorm. The first agenda was to get an extra hand in cleaning. Jeno and Renjun’s shared space was considerably larger than the average dorm, and Renjun knew that he needed help. The second agenda was to avoid Jaemin. Donghyuck knew that Renjun knew that if he were to invite Jaemin over to help him clean, nothing productive would out of it. The third, the last, and Donghyuck’s least favourite agenda, was to pester Donghyuck about current events. Current events referring to Lee Jeno, certainly.

“Jeno told me you were going,” Renjun mentioned nonchalantly as the two of them settled on the couch, freshly done from tidying up the dorm. “Are you going?”

Donghyuck inhaled, and tried to soothe himself by smelling the overly potent essential oil that Renjun placed in the room’s diffuser, only to set himself for more stress when he realized that the scent came from _sunflower_ oil, of all flowers in the world. “Yes, I’m going.”

It wasn’t like Donghyuck had a choice. Donghyuck knew that it would be definitely worse if he were to suddenly message Jeno claiming that he couldn’t go. So in preparation, Donghyuck strategized. Donghyuck knew that if he wanted to shield himself from any awkward one-on-one interactions in the party, he would have to find someone to latch on to. Campus lovebirds Renjun and Jaemin would definitely stick to each other the entire night, and so would the inseparable best friends Chenle and Jisung, which automatically striked them out and left only one option.

Mark Lee.

Donghyuck supposed he felt a bit bad for Mark, as he messaged him a few days ago ensuring Mark’s attendance in the party. After the breakup, Donghyuck sought an outlet to express to, and while he loved Renjun and Jaemin, the two of them were too connected to Jeno for Donghyuck to truly feel comfortable opening up to them. Chenle and Jisung were options as well, but Donghyuck wasn’t going to entertain the possibility of them sensationalizing their breakup after pouring his heart and soul to the two. Again with the process of elimination, Mark was left as the best option.

Mark, who was not there for most of Jeno and Donghyuck’s relationship, was the perfect person for Donghyuck to rant to. Mark and Donghyuck were always particularly close, but Donghyuck couldn’t deny that, as opportunistic as it might seem, both of them grew closer because of the breakup.

While Mark and Donghyuck’s relationship remained strictly platonic (Donghyuck could never envision the two of them becoming more than friends, anyway), Donghyuck also couldn’t deny that along the line, Mark was somehow Donghyuck’s replacement for Jeno, an ‘emotional rebound’, if Donghyuck dared to call it that way. Mark’s approach to Donghyuck’s incessant rambling was in no way similar to Jeno’s, but perhaps that was a good thing. Mark gave Donghyuck a chance to be free from any entanglement with the breakup, and Donghyuck appreciated that immensely.

And with Donghyuck’s growing appreciation for Mark came with growing suspicion from Renjun and Jaemin (and perhaps Jeno, if Donghyuck dared to think about it). Once, in a sudden burst of impatience, Renjun hosted an intervention between himself, Donghyuck, and Jaemin, and asked if Donghyuck was now dating Mark, to which Donghyuck offendedly responded that he could get close to other people without dating them.

Eventually, Renjun and Jaemin dropped their suspicions and welcomed Donghyuck and Mark’s growing bond. However, because Donghyuck knew that Renjun knew Donghyuck as if he was the back of his hand, Donghyuck wasn’t surprised when Renjun spoke up, nothing but truth behind his statement.

“You’re going to leech onto Mark, aren’t you.”

 _Fuck_. “It’s not _leeching_ ,” Donghyuck huffed. “We are good friends and naturally, we will gravitate to each other.”

“You will use Mark as a shield to avoid any one-on-one interaction with Jeno.”

 _Fuck you, Renjun_. “Definitely not,” Donghyuck denied. “That’s not fair to Mark, and I am definitely open for one-on-one interaction with Jeno. Please.”

“Is that why you left him on read after he told you he missed you?”

 _Fucking_ fuck _you, Huang Renjun_. “Must’ve slipped my mind to reply!” Donghyuck replied.

“Donghyuck,” Renjun said sternly. “You’re setting yourself up for disaster. You said yes to a situation that I can tell you’re clearly uncomfortable with. Now you’re trying to devise ways to detach yourself from this situation, but not in a way that makes everything even more awkward than it already is. Tell me, Hyuck, what exactly do you want?”

What did Donghyuck want?

“I don’t fucking know,” Hyuck relented after a few moments of silence. “Renjun, I’m so confused. I don’t… I don’t want to get back with him. I can’t imagine a scenario where the two of us would be friends again, without all the awkwardness. But I can’t stand this awkward feeling — fuck, Renjun, literally every time I hear his name I feel weird. It’s like… It’s like he’s gonna haunt me forever. Like our breakup is gonna haunt us forever.

“We’ve been broken up for almost a year. I don’t want him back. I shouldn’t want him back. But yet I think of him almost every day,” Donghyuck took a deep sigh. “What does this mean, Junnie? Please.”

In that moment, Donghyuck and Renjun stared at each other intensely, with sinking realization that after all these months, this was their first time talking about Donghyuck’s thoughts about Jeno in a raw, vulnerable way, a manner that Donghyuck made sure not to express to Renjun, or Jaemin for that matter, reserved only for Mark.

“Donghyuck— “

And in the following moment, Donghyuck decided he didn’t want to hear anything more. “— No, Renjun. Nevermind,” Donghyuck weakly said, and because Renjun, even with his reputation of being too direct at times, knew better than to force a conversation, Renjun stayed silent as a response. “I’m not ready yet.”

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

Donghyuck wasn’t sure when he started feeling the way he was feeling.

At some point, what Donghyuck cherished from their relationship became aspects that Donghyuck secretly doubted to himself. For instance, Donghyuck’s heart would usually skip a beat upon receiving a morning text from Jeno, and he would enthusiastically reply back. But recently, whenever Donghyuck received a morning text from Jeno, Donghyuck would feel a weird tug on his heart, but not of lightness, but rather, _heaviness_ , and as Donghyuck replied to these texts, Donghyuck couldn’t help but feel as if he was _obligated_ to reply.

Jeno and Donghyuck saw each other _every day_. Even with their busy schedules, Jeno would always make a point to drop by Donghyuck’s day, either for a simple hello or something more. Initially, Donghyuck thought of it as something cute. Something to truly treasure in their relationship, for Donghyuck was so loved, wasn’t he?

But in truth, Donghyuck started to feel suffocated.

Towards the end of Donghyuck’s lectures, Jeno would be outside of Donghyuck’s lecture hall, waiting for Donghyuck to come out. In the beginning, Donghyuck, probably blinded with rose-tinted eyesight, thought it was _romantic_. Eventually, Donghyuck realized that it was _fucking weird_. Jeno’s world in NCT U was solely in the Humanities and Arts building, which was far, _far_ away from Donghyuck’s world in the STEM building, and the fact that Jeno would walk all the way, cross all the streets, do everything to be part of Donghyuck’s world, was overwhelming.

Donghyuck would constantly receive texts from Jeno as well. Jeno was particularly fond of texting, as much as Donghyuck was, but for some reason, the texts from Jeno felt more invasive — _what are you doing? Who are you with? When can I see you?_ — and eventually, Donghyuck found himself feeling as if he needed to time his responses back to Jeno, so that he wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable texting Jeno.

One day, Jeno, with a burst of ambition flaming through him, introduced Donghyuck to Doyoung, an NCT U alumni that took Jeno under his wing when Jeno was younger. Candidly, the idea of meeting Doyoung wasn’t that bad, until Donghyuck fully registered the context behind it. Doyoung, who more or less became a father figure or at least a big brother-figure to Jeno, was someone that Jeno looked up to a lot. As such, Jeno was most likely seeking approval from Doyoung, and approval did Jeno get. It was almost as if Jeno was looking for permission to dedicate his life to Donghyuck. Romantic, on the surface, but honestly scary beneath.

Donghyuck’s reservations grew worse when one day, Renjun mentioned how Jeno’s portion of the dorms became emptier as time passed. With an uneasy feeling that Donghyuck couldn’t shake off, Donghyuck knew exactly why; over time, Jeno and Donghyuck were too comfortable with each other’s presence in Donghyuck’s single dorm, that Jeno brought his belongings over in inculcation, slowly marking his territory in Donghyuck’s life.

Lee Donghyuck loved Lee Jeno.

But this… this was beginning to be too much. Donghyuck didn’t know what to do.

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

Donghyuck didn't know what to do. For some, asinine reason, the world decided to toy with him and present the worst scenario he could think of. A day after opening up (or at least attempting to) to Renjun about Jeno, Donghyuck found himself, right in front of Jeno, both seated across each other in Cherry Bomb Café with hesitant expressions and uncomfortable gestures. Donghyuck had no idea how he got to this.

Actually, scratch that, he does, and Donghyuck would internally curse himself for eternity for enabling this scenario to happen.

After a particularly tedious lab session for his dissertation, Donghyuck decided that it would be a nice idea to treat himself and head over to Cherry Bomb Café. Once Donghyuck ordered and received his matcha macchiato (Donghyuck would have ordered a wintermelon shake, but unfortunately that flavour was one that had too much connection to the past), he turned away from the counter to look for a seat, only to bump into Jeno.

In a fit of flustered apologies and ramblings, Donghyuck and Jeno ended up sitting together, caused by Jeno’s overly friendly tendency and Donghyuck’s inability to think straight when flustered. The two exchanged pleasantries (which Donghyuck felt was not pleasant _at all_ ), and Donghyuck learned that Jeno returned back to his dorm earlier today while Renjun was out. Donghyuck and Jeno continued to conduct small talk with each other, mostly discussing how enlightening Jeno’s internship was and how laborious Donghyuck’s plant science thesis about biodegradable cassava plastic was proving itself to be.

“I know you can do it,” Jeno said, light voice and eyesmiles. “You’ve always been so bright.”

The thing with those type of compliments is that usually, Donghyuck would feel flattered (especially considering the fact that he grew up hating science, but ended up dedicating four years in university for it), but from Jeno, Donghyuck just felt weird. A weird that was unexplainable, and a weird that was unwelcome.

Of all the million scenarios that Donghyuck imagined their reunion to turn out like, Donghyuck never thought of the possibility of them reuniting like this. Donghyuck thought about running back to Jeno’s arms, reuniting with passionate kisses in the midst of apologies and fiery tears. Donghyuck thought about slapping Jeno in the face, throat sore from loud, verbal, and (if Donghyuck imagined it to be more dramatic) public arguments. Donghyuck even thought about the two of them ignoring each other, as if they’ve never existed in each other’s lives. But Donghyuck never thought about them acting as if they were friendly acquaintances, talking about inconsequential things, ignoring the big friendly giant elephant in the room.

And what’s making their reunion worse, is that if Donghyuck felt his heart palpitating whenever he just _thought_ or heard of Jeno, then seeing him in person live meant that something in his heart was competing in an acrobatics competition. Donghyuck was always mesmerized by how good looking Jeno was, but Donghyuck felt it was tremendously unfair at how _perfect_ Jeno looked at that moment.

The last time Donghyuck saw Jeno in person, Jeno had light brown hair. At this moment, however, Jeno was sporting raven black hair, perfectly complementing his light skin and highlighting his bright eyes. Donghyuck suspected that Jeno became more active while he was away, with shoulders more broad than Donghyuck remembered and a chiseled jaw that would make ancient Roman sculptors have a field day. Jeno… Jeno just looked good. It wasn’t fair.

Exes were supposed to be uglier after a breakup, weren’t they?

Well it seemed like Jeno said ‘ _fuck you_ ’ to that rule, and became more handsome than Donghyuck thought he could be.

Then all of a sudden, Donghyuck felt a wave of insecurity wash over him. What if _he_ was the ex who got uglier? Donghyuck, in a fit of impulsivity inspired by Renjun, dyed his hair silver and decided to sport a more wavy look. With how stressful his thesis semester was proving itself to be, Donghyuck’s weight often changed, which wasn’t really a problem for himself but Donghyuck couldn’t help but feel self-conscious, thinking what would Jeno, the man who obviously prioritized fitness, think of Donghyuck, someone who often joked that sporting a six-pack would be too heavy to handle.

As Jeno was showing Donghyuck pictures of cats he captured during his stay in Malaysia, Donghyuck’s phone rang, interrupting the two of them.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck apologized before picking up. “May I?”

“Of course.”

Because Donghyuck’s brain was fried with being too overwhelmed over current events, Donghyuck tactlessly picked up the phone call in front of Jeno, attempting to ignore how inquisitive Jeno’s eyes were. “Hello?”

It was Mark. For some reason, Donghyuck forgot that he made plans to watch the latest, trending action movie in the cinemas. Donghyuck and Mark briefly talked on the phone, with Mark reminding Donghyuck to be in the cinemas soon, and Donghyuck apologizing that he forgot. As Donghyuck hung up and pocketed his phone away, he felt Jeno’s intense stare on him.

“Do you have somewhere to go?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck replied. “Sorry. This was fun though.”

Jeno waved his hand in dismissal. “Don’t be sorry,” Jeno said. “It was so nice meeting you again.”

Donghyuck hummed in response, unsure how to respond. As he finished packing his things up, Jeno spoke again. “Who are you meeting, by the way?”

And all at once, Donghyuck felt nothing but irritation, wondering why he even entertained the idea of being friendly with him, because _fuck Lee Jeno_. _Not this shit again_. “I don’t think it’s any of your business,” Donghyuck said curtly, doing his best to disregard how Jeno’s face tightened upon hearing Donghyuck’s response. “See you.”

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

“What do you mean it’s none of my business?”

Donghyuck pinched the top part of his nose, sighing. Lately, Donghyuck and Jeno’s been having… problems. These problems weren’t problems that was grand per se, but the occasional minor arguments (so ridiculous that at times they’d argue over _milkshake flavours_ ) and disagreements established a palpable difference between what their relationship dynamics were like in the beginning, and what it was like now.

“I said what I said,” Donghyuck said sternly. “It really isn’t any of your business.”

That’s the thing with Jeno, Donghyuck realized. To Jeno, anything in Donghyuck’s world _must_ be part of his world. Everything of their lives must align, no matter how different they were. In principle, it was cute. In reality, it was torture, and Donghyuck was tired of it. Donghyuck, however, knew he was also to blame. Donghyuck has been particularly impatient and nit-picky over everything Jeno does, from the way Jeno would stay up too late playing games, to how Jeno would involve himself in Donghyuck’s business even though Donghyuck didn’t want him there, a result of Donghyuck’s weariness of recent events.

“You’re going out drinking with a bunch of people that I’m not familiar with, to a place that I don’t know,” Jeno pointed out. “I’m just concerned. You’re my boyfriend, I love you and I want you to be safe.”

Donghyuck couldn’t help but roll his eyes, and he felt his impatience rising. Donghyuck wasn’t able to control what he blurted out next: “Fucking hell, Jeno! You’re my boyfriend, not my caretaker! I don’t need to update you with every single thing going on in my life, fuck off!”

Before Jeno could respond, Donghyuck continued. “You’re always, _‘where are you going_ ’ this, ‘ _who are you with_ ’ that, damn it Jeno cut me some slack! If you really want to fucking know, I’m going with my co-delegates at that dumb biochemistry convention I attended a while back to celebrate one of their birthdays. We’re going to City 127, the bar. Are you happy? Or do you want me to give me their full names? Their addresses? Do you want to fucking tag along to while you’re at it? Maybe you should, then you’d actually shut up—”

“ — Donghyuck,” Jeno’s deep voice cut in, and Donghyuck felt as if there was a force compelling him to shut up and listen. “What the fuck?”

That threw Donghyuck by surprise. Jeno, who was normally kind-hearted by nature, rarely showed signs of aggression, signs that he was legitimately upset. Seeing Jeno’s usually soft face harden up was an indicator to Donghyuck that _fuck_ , he dug a hole for himself.

Not allowing Donghyuck to respond, Jeno started to speak. “Why are you attacking me for caring about you? I’m just asking you a few questions, Donghyuck. If you had a problem with that you should’ve said so in the beginning.”

“Well here’s me speaking up about it now!” Donghyuck responded defiantly. “I hate it! Let me breathe!”

“Fine, I’ll stop asking you about it!”

Donghyuck thought that Jeno didn’t get it. “I don’t think you’re understanding me,” Donghyuck spat. “It’s not just about this. It’s about… It’s about everything! How you’re always with me, how you’re always fucking there, _god_ I’m sick, _I’m sick_ , I hate it! I’m forgetting what it’s like to have some fucking freedom in my life that sometimes I miss being single. I need space. I fucking need _space_.”

Jeno stayed quiet, body rigid, until he spoke up again. “You want to break up.”

Donghyuck jerked his head so fast in alarm. _Break up_? That… That was not what Donghyuck wanted. He wanted space, not a break. “That’s not what I said.”

“You just said that you want to be single.”

“Don’t you dare twist my words, Jeno,” Donghyuck retorted. “I don’t fucking want to break up with you, idiot! In case it hasn’t registered through your thick skull, I fucking love you!”

“Then why are you acting like this?!” Jeno raised his voice. “As if I’m the villain here? I love you and I care for you and I apologize if I smother you but you can’t treat me as if I’m evil here, I’m doing this because I’m fucking in love with you!”

Soon enough, Donghyuck felt tears rolling across his cheek. Before Donghyuck could reply, Jeno spoke again. “You don’t love me as much as I love you,” Jeno said, and Donghyuck choked a sob, hurting at not only Jeno’s words, but how pained Jeno looked saying that. “Don’t think I haven’t been noticing you withdrawing from me. Your late replies, short responses. You say you love me but you don’t. And I’m guessing you never fucking did.”

“You can’t say that,” Donghyuck struggled to say. “You have no fucking right to say that. I love you. I love you so fucking much, Jeno.”

“Why is this happening to us, then?”

“Because I’m so tired of this shit!” and with that, Donghyuck felt the weight of his statement drop on his shoulders. It was a statement of hurt, and a statement of truth, and Donghyuck didn’t know what else to do but say, “This is. This is — this is something else. You need to let me breathe. You need to let me live my life, you don’t have to be part of everything in mine! I’m your boyfriend, yes, but I’m not just Lee Jeno’s boyfriend, do you understand?”

In his dorms, in silence, and in pain, Lee Donghyuck felt his heart ache for Lee Jeno.

“I’m going to go back to my dorm,” Jeno announced after a brief period of silence between them. Before leaving, Donghyuck received a lifeless peck on his cheek from Jeno. “I love you.”

Donghyuck couldn’t say it back.

Approximately half an hour later, Renjun came in.

“Jeno walked in with teary eyes,” Renjun said as he took a seat next to Donghyuck’s laying figure on the bed. “What happened?”

“Where’s Jeno?” Donghyuck asked, ignoring Renjun’s question.

“In the dorm,” Renjun softly replied. “With Jaemin.”

“Oh.” This implied that Jaemin was already with Renjun in Renjun’s dorm, and Donghyuck and Jeno’s lover’s spat most likely interrupted whatever budding sparks that were occurring between Jaemin and Renjun. Donghyuck didn’t know what to think about that.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Donghyuck and Renjun, through trial and error, learned the hard way that it was best for the both of them to open up about their emotions on their own volition, without forcing each other to do so, like they used to in the past. As such, Donghyuck appreciated Renjun’s understanding nod when Donghyuck replied, “I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

_｡.:*♡ in the past. ♡*:.｡_

“Do you have a crush on my roommate?”

 _Busted_.

Donghyuck and Renjun were in the middle of completing their assignments in the library, and as usual, Donghyuck enjoyed the view across the library hall where Jeno was reading a book, eyebrows furrowed in concentration and glasses slightly sliding off of the bridge of his nose. So maybe Donghyuck spent more time staring at Jeno than actually completing his Plant Genetics assignment.

“I just think he’s cute,” Donghyuck answered, eyes still fixed on Jeno. “And he’s nice.”

Renjun scoffed. “You guys never talk,” and before Donghyuck could counter, Renjun spoke again. “That one time where you invited him to The Playground doesn’t count. Nor do the small talks you guys have whenever you’re around.”

Donghyuck let out a deep sigh. “Maybe if you set me up with him…”

“Are you joking?” Renjun let out a cynical laugh. “If you want him so badly you talk to him yourself. I don’t know why you act like a shy schoolgirl with a crush.”

“Because that’s what I am deep inside!” Donghyuck whined. “Have you seen him? Jeno is so handsome. He’s so dreamy. A literal dreamboat. I stand no chance.”

Renjun rolled his eyes as he flipped a page on his textbook. “I see him everyday. He’s handsome, sure, but he’s not a ‘ _literal dreamboat_ ’.”

“I think you haven’t seen the _vision_ ,” Donghyuck said. “I wish I could switch places with you and be his roommate. Then we can be two roommates falling in love, like a romantic comedy trope. Oh, I just want him to fall in love with me, have him swoop me off my feet. He’s so princely too, haven’t you realized that? And with a body like that, _gosh_ , who knows what’s he’s like in—”

“—oh no fucking way are we getting there,” Renjun cut off. “You can fantasize about my roommate all you want but I want _no_ part of it. And you’re on your own if you want to get together with him, or something. First off, you actually have to talk to him.”

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

Donghyuck and Jeno never talked about what transpired between them, both reaching to a silent, mutually shared decision to continue their lives as if their argument never happened. A few days after their argument, Donghyuck made the bold decision to come over Jeno’s dorm while he knew Renjun was away. When they met, the two stared at each other tentatively, unsure of what to do or what to say, until Donghyuck held out a hand which Jeno took. Jeno pulled Donghyuck closer and slowly took Donghyuck in a tender embrace.

“I love you,” Jeno whispered to Donghyuck before kissing him softly on the forehead. Donghyuck stared at Jeno’s pleading eyes, and watched his expression grow more nervous as Jeno said, “Please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.”

Moments later, Donghyuck found himself staring at the ceiling of Jeno’s room, lying next to a sleeping Jeno. Sighing, Donghyuck glanced at Jeno, slightly jealous at how Jeno seemed to look so peaceful, while Donghyuck had the weight of anxious thoughts pounding in his head. Donghyuck was in love with Jeno. Donghyuck was not in love with Jeno. Donghyuck didn’t know if he was in love with Jeno or not.

Soon enough, Jeno became less invasive with Donghyuck’s life. He was still actively a part of Donghyuck’s life in which they still saw each other every day, and Jeno was still the same, loving and caring boyfriend who’d drop morning texts, who’d walk Donghyuck to most of his classes, who’d give him goodnight kisses before bed.

And yet, Jeno was different. Replies from Jeno became more sporadic. Walks to Donghyuck’s lectures were often than not filled with awkward silence. Goodnight kisses felt more lifeless, and was often an indicator that that was the last Donghyuck would see Jeno for the day, because Jeno stopped staying over Donghyuck’s dorm as much as he used to.

While Jeno and Donghyuck had their own, unfortunately implicit, trouble in paradise, Renjun and Jaemin seemed to have the time of their lives by _finally_ getting together, after what Donghyuck felt was an eternity of awkward pining and oblivion from the both of them. Donghyuck was genuinely happy for the both of them — Renjun seemed more comfortable with himself and others, while Jaemin seemed to be more confident in himself. The way they got together was perfect, and their relationship was just right.

Which is why Donghyuck couldn’t open up about his reservations with his own relationship to the golden couple. Donghyuck tried opening up to Jisung, who simply told him that, “Life is simple, hyung. Don’t make it complicated.”

Donghyuck supposed he should give Jisung some credit for his simplicity, but at the same time it was definitely _not_ what Donghyuck needed to hear. Donghyuck then tried to open up to Chenle, who, much like his own best friend, gave Donghyuck very simplistic advice, although not to Donghyuck’s liking.

“Fuck Jeno, then!” Chenle exclaimed. “Men are trash! You’re better off alone anyway! Hashtag independence!”

As a last resort, Donghyuck reached out to Mark, who turned out to be just what Donghyuck needed — someone who could ground Donghyuck, but in a way that wasn’t too crushing for him.

“Do you remember when you had a crush on me?” Mark asked after listening to Donghyuck rant about his relationship woes, causing Donghyuck to choke on his drink.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Donghyuck exclaimed. Sure, Donghyuck was always affectionate towards Mark, especially since Mark took Donghyuck under his wing when Mark was Donghyuck’s group facilitator for his freshmen orientation, but Donghyuck never actually _liked_ the guy, valuing his friendship with Mark way more. “I already told you that — “

“ —That you never actually liked me, and you just liked to flirt with me because it was fun,” Mark cut in. “I know. Renjun even called me your romantic ‘work experience’, remember?”

Donghyuck slowly nodded. “Where are you going with this?”

“I think you’re gonna hate hearing this, Hyuck,” Mark started, and Donghyuck braced himself for whatever truth bomb Mark would eventually drop on him. “You’ve always been more of an idealistic person. You love the idea of what could be and making it happen. It’s why you’re in theater and it’s why you’re studying science, even if you say you grew up hating it.”

“I did.” Donghyuck weakly replied.

“Do you want me to say what you need to hear or what I think you want to hear?”

“...Tell me the truth, Mark.”

Mark took a moment staring at Donghyuck, as if he was busy evaluating him. “I think you might be in love with the idea of Jeno,” Mark plainly said, and Donghyuck felt his heart drop. “More so than you are in love with Jeno himself.”

Donghyuck let Mark continue. “You were always physically attracted to Jeno, that’s one thing that made you so eager to be with him. You always loved attention, and as you said, Jeno gives plenty of that. Jeno, who’s so warm-hearted and kind, gives you all the love, comfort, and security that you thought you never needed. I can’t tell you how you feel, Hyuck. But I think that you need to consider the idea that maybe, you were so in love with how you ideated Jeno to be the perfect man, and eventually the perfect boyfriend, that you lost touch with reality and the idea that _perfect_ is never perfect. I think you need to really evaluate what you feel, and then talk to him when you’ve figured it out.”

Listening to Mark hurt, and Donghyuck was more than tempted to deny whatever Mark said, but he could help but think that while Mark wasn’t right, he wasn’t exactly… wrong. In fact, everything Mark pointed out was scarily spot on, and the fact that it’s Mark, someone who was not physically present for the majority of Jeno and Donghyuck’s relationship, who certainly would give the most unbiased opinion of everyone said it, Donghyuck was terrified. After digesting what Mark has said in quietness, Donghyuck hesitantly spoke up. “Do you think I should break up with him?”

Mark shook his head. “That’s not my decision to make, Hyuck.”

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

“That’s your decision to make, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck groaned in response, hitting Mark on the shoulder. After a while, Jeno’s welcome back party finally came, and Donghyuck was regretting every single life choice he has made to lead him standing by the bright neon bars of the club, clinging on to Mark while trying to decide another cocktail to consume.

The party wasn’t as bad as Donghyuck thought it would be. Renjun, probably by way of customer loyalty perks, managed to get the entire VIP section of the club, so everyone else invited ended up enjoying a more spacious, a sleeker, and definitely more _cleaner_ portion of the club. The music wasn’t bad, and everyone around him were decently fine. Renjun and Jaemin, as typical as they can get, eventually ended up making out on one of the couches, while Chenle and Jisung were busy dancing, leaving Mark and Donghyuck by the bar.

Of course, the party wasn’t as bad as Donghyuck thought it would be, because in full honesty, Donghyuck had very minimal interaction with Jeno, the very host of this party. Donghyuck came in with his arm linked with Mark, exchanged pleasantries with Jeno (who, if Donghyuck paid attention closely under the dim lights of the club, held a tense look throughout), and immediately went to the bar to enjoy the free cocktails.

“No, oh my goodness, _really_ help me pick a cocktail to try out next!” Donghyuck cried out. “Do I get a Sidecar or a Margarita?”

“How about a Cupid’s Kiss?”

That voice definitely did _not_ belong to Mark, and Donghyuck soon found out that it came from Jeno, who apparently came by the bar to interrupt Mark and Donghyuck’s cocktail tasting session. In desperation, Donghyuck shot Mark a frantic look, to which Mark sheepishly replied, “Shit, I think I need to go to the restroom. Excuse me.”

Donghyuck tried to contain his expression as he watched Mark leave him with Jeno. He never felt so offended and so overwhelmed at the same time, and at the moment, he had no choice but to respond to Jeno, who was looking at him with a bright smile and warm eyes. “Cupid’s Kiss is too sweet,” Donghyuck decided to reply. “I wanted something sour.”

“Ah, of course,” Jeno said, and Donghyuck wasn’t sure if he wanted to analyze the subliminal messages behind Jeno’s response. “How about a Flirtini?”

Donghyuck wanted nothing more than to get out of this situation. “Maybe I should just get a Vaportini.”

“I think that’s too dangerous for you, Hyuckie. Are you drunk already?”

 _God dammit, not the fucking nickname_.

“I’m not,” it was a half lie. “Aren’t you supposed to be socializing with other people? This is _your_ welcome back party.”

“I am,” Jeno simply responded. “I’m here talking to you.”

For some reason, Jeno radiated mature and cool vibes more so than before, and Donghyuck hated himself for not only feeling intimidated, but also feeling heavily attracted to Jeno. Donghyuck blamed nothing but the six cocktails he tried with Mark before Jeno dropped by for messing with his rational mind.

Donghyuck had no idea how to respond. He thought of so many different responses that in the end, the time he took contemplating how to respond became too long and made it undoubtedly awkward for Donghyuck to speak. Fortunately, Jeno seemed unfazed by his silence, choosing to lean against the bar, eyes boring straight to Donghyuck’s with a smile.

 _Honestly, fuck Lee Jeno for looking like_ that _._

“What are you staring for?” Donghyuck asked, unsure how else to react with how Jeno seemed to be content just _watching_ Donghyuck squirm.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jeno asked, and when Donghyuck reluctantly nodded his head, Jeno continued with a smile. “Will you dance with me?”

 _No_ , was what rational, sober Donghyuck would say, but unfortunately, that Donghyuck was out of the picture as irrational, tipsy Donghyuck replied, “Why not.”

And _fuck_ if Donghyuck wasn’t listing reasons on why not, on why he should’ve said no to Jeno, how he should’ve walked away from Jeno, as he was dancing with Jeno under the neon lights. For one, Donghyuck was hypnotized by Jeno, from the way he moved, the way he smelled so good, the way he was so handsome, everything Jeno. For another, Donghyuck felt the palpable tension growing between the two of them as they danced closer and closer together, almost no distance between the two of them.

That was probably the most important reason why Donghyuck should have kept his distance from Jeno, because the distance between them just kept on decreasing and decreasing, until Donghyuck felt nothing, not even the loud beats from the speakers nor the luminescence of the lights, but Jeno’s lips hovering against his, heat radiating, passion flowing.

“Can I?”

Because Donghyuck was irrational, tipsy, hypnotized, and in all honesty, lonely, Donghyuck responded to Jeno’s question by promptly closing the gap between them.

_｡.:*♡ in the present. ♡*:.｡_

“Can we talk?”

Donghyuck waited as Jeno set aside his phone to pay attention to him. Few weeks have passed since Donghyuck talked to Mark, and while Jeno and Donghyuck’s relationship eventually returned to surface normal, Donghyuck still couldn’t shake off the tension in his mind, telling him that he needs to talk about it, about everything.

Jeno swiftly sat up on the bed, facing Donghyuck on the other side of Jeno’s bed. With concerned eyes and a shaky voice, Jeno asked, “About what?”

“Us.”

“What about us?”

Donghyuck felt there was something out there restricting his inability to breathe, because all of a sudden it was as if his heart dropped and started palpitating too fast for his liking. _What about us?_ Donghyuck wanted to talk about everything. Donghyuck wanted to talk about nothing. Donghyuck didn’t know what to do.

“I just…” _God, this was so fucking awkward_. Thinking of what to say was already hard — let alone actually verbalising his thoughts. Donghyuck had no idea how to start. He took a deep breath as he watched Jeno watch him with emotional eyes, and hoped that whatever came out of his mouth next wasn’t too ridiculous. “I need… I need space. From all of this.”

If Donghyuck felt like he couldn’t breathe, then it now felt like he couldn’t _live_ at all. As Donghyuck said what he said, all the air in the room was sucked out, and Donghyuck and Jeno were just left with staring at each other, unsure of what to say.

Jeno eventually spoke up. “What do you mean?”

With shaky breaths and tears slowly welling up, Donghyuck opened his mouth to say, “I love you,” Donghyuck choked on his words once he saw Jeno’s eyes become glassy. “But I think I need time for myself.”

“I don’t understand,” _Because you don’t want to understand_. “I thought we were fine. I thought everything is okay.”

“It’s fine —” Donghyuck was torn, unsure of how to say to Jeno when he himself has no idea what he wants to say, or even what he’s feeling. Because even if everything was _fine_ , even if everything was _okay_ , Donghyuck didn’t feel like it was. Jeno was handsome, Jeno was caring, Jeno was perfect, and yet Donghyuck still felt uncomfortable, as if it wasn’t right to be in a relationship with Jeno. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Please try,” Jeno quietly said. “You promised you’d never leave me.”

Donghyuck didn’t know how to respond.

_｡.:*♡ in the past. ♡*:.｡_

“I don’t know how to respond.”

Donghyuck laughed in response. On a particularly uneventful day, Donghyuck decided to surprise Renjun by heading to his dorm, only to be met by Jeno. Renjun was apparently away, and since Donghyuck, as opportunistic as he is, had nothing better to do, he decided to stay and chat a little bit with Jeno. The two shared small pleasantries and some snacks on the dining table, the mood light and free, so much so that Donghyuck started asking ridiculous ‘would you rather’ questions for fun.

“Well, you only have two choices,” Donghyuck said after eating a digestive cracker. “Either A or B.”

“But both of them are bad,” Jeno said, laughing. “And it’s a bad question. Would I rather fuck a goat without anyone knowing, or would I rather not fuck a goat but everyone thinks I did?”

“And have no way to convince them that you didn’t.” Donghyuck cheekily added.

“You know what my friend Jaemin would say with this question?”

“What?”

“‘ _Is the goat pretty_ ’?”

Donghyuck burst out in laughter, causing Jeno to do the same. “Fucking hell, Jeno,” Donghyuck said. “That’s a weird question!”

“Your question is even weirder!”

“Just answer!”

“Fine,” Jeno relented, rolling his eyes in amusement. “The second one. I don’t care what people think of me, and I’m definitely not giving up my dignity.”

Donghyuck giggled. “Same answer as me, then,” Donghyuck’s heart skipped a beat at how Jeno’s smile seemed to grow bigger, crescent _eyesmiles_ and all. “You know it’s a trick question right? If you answer the first one then it’s still the same as you giving up your dignity. You’d be known as the one who gave up your dignity, because now everyone knows you’d rather fuck a goat regardless.”

“Cheeky,” Jeno said as he handed Hyuck another digestive. “You know… you’re really cool. We should hang out more.”

Donghyuck’s cheeks started hurting from smiling too much. “We should.”

_｡.:*♡ in the future. ♡*:.｡_

“I think we should stop hanging out.”

Of everything Donghyuck could imagine Jeno to say, _that_ was definitely not one of them. Weeks have passed since Jeno’s return, and everyone found themselves occupied with completing deadlines and fulfilling graduation requirements. Eventually, the school year has ended and Donghyuck had nothing to do but await for graduation in excitement and nervousness.

However, completing deadlines and fulfilling graduation requirements weren’t the only things that Donghyuck occupied himself with. After waking up with a beating heart and a racing mind in Jeno’s bed the morning after his welcoming party, Donghyuck and Jeno found themselves within each other’s presence more often than they expected.

Donghyuck didn’t know exactly how to pinpoint when or how it all started. On the morning after the party, Donghyuck tried to sneak out without Jeno realizing, only for Jeno to stop him and actually ask him to get brunch together. From there, Donghyuck and Jeno just naturally kept on seeing each other — invites to grab lunch together, coincidental run-ins to each other that led to long hours of talking, frequent messages sharing memes or snippets of their day, and even sleepovers at each other’s dorms.

Donghyuck also couldn’t forget the little (not) dates that he and Jeno had; dates in the grassy lawn of the campus quad, feeding each other little snacks that they’ve both accumulated, dates on the rooftop stargazing (though Donghyuck spent a considerable amount of time staring at Jeno instead), dates in coffee shops, dates… everywhere.

It was nice. It was friendly.

(“Friendly?!” Donghyuck remembered Renjun repeat in disbelief when he signed up for yet another third-wheeling session with Renjun and Jaemin. “You call sleeping with your freaking ex, _friendly_?!”

Alright, maybe the term friendly wasn’t the most accurate.

“Are you guys back together?” Jaemin asked, interrupting Renjun’s incoming rant about his disapproval about Donghyuck and Jeno’s activities together.

Were they? “No,” Donghyuck answered truthfully, although some part of him couldn’t help but notice that how he felt about everything now was similar, if not better to how he felt in the prime of their past relationship. “We’re not together like that.”

“So what are you guys?” Renjun inquired. “Because you guys are seeing each other more than you see any of us and we’re your freaking best friends.”

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.”)

Donghyuck had thought of many ways on how they would talk about it, but never did he think that the opportunity would arise when Jeno, of all people, was the one who ordered a stop to their budding relationship. “What do you mean?” Donghyuck asked shakily, brought back to the moment.

Jeno sighed and Donghyuck watched as he ran his fingers through his hair, his glasses sliding down a bit. Donghyuck, to no surprise, was in awe. Jeno was so handsome.

“Hyuckie,” and again with that nickname that made Donghyuck’s heart skip a beat. “I don’t think I can do this. Us, being friends again. Seeing each other like this. I’m really sorry, I thought I could do it, but I can’t anymore. The truth is, I never stopped loving you. I’m still in love with you, I was always in love with you. And now we’re dancing in circles, skirting the issue, I don’t know where we stand, but I sure as hell know that what we’re doing is making me love you even more, and I can’t stand pretend like it’s okay when I know you don’t love me back, especially when I want you back. I’m sorry.”

This was bringing unpleasant memories of the past, the past when Donghyuck and Jeno were in the midst of breaking up at three in the morning, on the shabby dorm bed of Donghyuck’s, heart beating, mind racing, tears flowing, and Donghyuck hated that he felt like he was reliving the past, that it’s as if he would have to go through the pain again. Except now, it was three in the afternoon, and they were both sitting on the grass of the campus quad, heart beating, mind racing, but without the tears, but instead hollow, empty looks.

Jeno stood up to leave, but Donghyuck spoke up. “Nono.”

 _Nono_ was a nickname that Donghyuck _never_ used, and it was a nickname that Donghyuck knew was used by Jeno’s parents, Doyoung, and occasionally Jaemin. It was a special nickname that held weight, that held love and affection, a nickname that Donghyuck never used because it never felt right for him to use, but for some reason, Donghyuck felt that it was time now.

Donghyuck didn’t know if Jeno agreed, but Jeno stilled in his place, and Donghyuck took it as an opportunity to speak. “Can we please talk? Please.” Contrary to Donghyuck’s expectations, Jeno’s nostrils flared and his eyes stilled, but before Jeno could reply, Donghyuck spoke again. “I think I love you too.”

“Donghyuck,” Jeno said, voice solemn. “You don’t have to lie. Please, it’s not fair to me. I thought about you every single day and I longed to be yours again. It’s… It’s a lot to take in, okay? You practically ignored my existence after the breakup, acting as if we’ve never met, you even muted our chat just to do so — don’t deny it! And now we’re here acting as if everything’s fine between us, as if we’re friends, hell we’ve slept together, we’ve spent days and nights together and the more I’m with you the more I feel like we’re back together and I know… I know that’s not what you want so, just —”

“— I broke up with you because I thought that we weren’t right for each other,” Donghyuck interrupted, and when Jeno showed no signs of speaking nor leaving, Donghyuck took it as a cue to speak, to speak about his feelings, to speak about his thoughts, to speak about his truth. _It’s now or never._ “I never told you why I wanted to break up with you.”

“You did,” Jeno plainly stated. “You said that you weren’t feeling it anymore and that you needed a break to sort out your feelings and I _knew_ you weren’t going to come back anyway, and here we are.”

“Can I be honest?” Donghyuck asked, and continued when Jeno shrugged in response. “I was so infatuated with you. I fell for you at first sight, and then you turned out to be so kind, so smart, and then you asked me out and we became a thing and — and everything was perfect! So perfect that it was too perfect. You checked all the tick boxes in my personal list of an ideal guy, and you…

“You loved me so much. You loved me so much, Jeno, and sometimes I thought… I thought you loved me too much. You tried so hard to have my life become your life that I think you forgot that it shouldn’t be that way — my life should be a _part_ of your life, not _become_ so. And then I felt so suffocated, so uncomfortable, and I felt like I was responsible for your happiness and you were responsible for mine and I just… I felt like couldn’t breathe, and I…

“Then I kept on thinking about how you were literally so perfect for me. You gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and it just turned out it was nothing that I needed. Because I ended up — I ended up falling for my idealized version of you that I don’t think I ever learned to fall in love with _you_. And after our breakup I just kept on thinking about how I didn’t know anything about you at all! I didn’t know why you studied literature! I didn’t know what your childhood was like! I didn’t even fucking know what your favourite colour was! All I knew was my _idea_ of you, I didn’t know you.  
  
“And that scared me, because we acted like we were going to give up everything for each other… We saw each other everyday, we talked to each other everyday, we loved each other too intensely, and eventually it just needed to stop, because I wasn’t sure if I was doing all that because I loved you or I loved the idea of you, or I loved the idea of being in love with you… I don’t know.

“I know it’s my fault for never talking about it to you, for never… communicating, like I thought I would, like I thought I could. I’m sorry I never told you about this. I’m sorry that it’s only taking me _now_ to say all of this, when it’s… when it’s probably too late. But I just want to tell you that…

“You feel like home. And… it feels right now, somehow. Because as perfect as you may seem… You’re _not_ the perfect man for me. Realizing that allowed me to… to appreciate you more. To know you more. Beyond rose-tinted glasses or a viewpoint skewed by infatuation. Just… getting to know you again, slowly but surely…” Donghyuck trailed off, unsure of what to say next. “That’s all, I guess. You can go now. I’m so sorry.”

Instead of leaving Donghyuck to cry in public like a pathetic loser, Jeno unexpectedly took one of Donghyuck’s hands and cupped it with both of his hands. “Donghyuck,” Jeno began, and because Donghyuck knew he wouldn’t be able to handle whatever Jeno would have to say, he looked away. “Please look at me.”

Since Jeno asked in such a sweet, lovely way, Donghyuck felt compelled to. When he looked Jeno straight in the eyes, Donghyuck was surprised at how tender Jeno’s eyes were, and even more surprised when Jeno said, “I’m sorry too.”

“For what? It’s all my fault.”

“You’re wrong,” Jeno replied. “I am in love with you. I was always in love with you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, and I was always scared that I didn’t deserve you. That you were too good for me. I’m sorry for being… for making you feel suffocated in our relationship. I was so scared that you’d one day realize that you’re better off without me so I just… I guess I just overcompensated this fear with loving you too much. I know it’s not an excuse, but I’m sorry as well. I’m so sorry.”

Donghyuck gulped and put his free hand on top of Jeno’s. “I just need space, Jeno. I need to know that I wouldn’t lose myself.”

“And I needed time,” Jeno replied. “Time to trust me, to trust you.”

After a while of them holding each others hands, staring at each other in nature, in silence, and in hesitation, Donghyuck spoke up again. “Are you going to leave?

“No,” Jeno said.

“Where does this leave us, then?”

“I don’t know,” Jeno replied, giving a small smile to Donghyuck. “But I’m willing to stay and figure this out together, _slowly_ , but surely. Are you?”

“Yes,” Donghyuck breathed out. “As long as I’m with you.”

_｡.:*♡ later again in the future. ♡*:.｡_

Graduation was… interesting, to say the least. Renjun, who received an honour for being an outstanding student in his department, was given the opportunity to speak during the ceremony and created history by essentially creating a _roasting session_ of the university in front of everyone.

“Through this wonderful, respectable, and brilliant university…” Renjun began, inciting the attention of everyone in the audience. “...I learned that the world is cold, cruel, and everyone is shit.” Donghyuck supposed he had to give props to Renjun for charmingly delivering his speech that whatever diatribe he shared was received positively and humorously.

Jaemin, for some unknown reason, got attention during the ceremony and was actually _scouted_ to be a model for a top and rising modelling agency. Among Jaemin’s flustered reaction, Jeno and Donghyuck’s surprised reactions, and Chenle, Jisung, and Renjun’s amused reactions, Chenle spoke up on behalf of Jaemin and said, “Of course he’d be interested!” and immediately pushed Jaemin towards the scouting manager.

Jeno also received recognition for his remarkable contributions to the literature department with a fascinating thesis on Pan-Asian literature. With that, Jeno also received a job offer from the same publishing company he interned in Malaysia, except now with the opportunity to work in their South Korean branch.

As for Donghyuck, his dissertation on biodegradable cassava plastic opened the doors for a collaboration with a social entrepreneurship program, and soon, Donghyuck would be presenting his ideas in hopes for sponsors and implementation.

Everything seemed to work out, and while Donghyuck did feel sad about a chapter in his life ending, Donghyuck couldn’t help but feel more excited to leave.

“Oh my god, they’re so lame.”

Donghyuck’s thoughts were interrupted as he noticed what Jaemin was referring to. Across the campus quad were Jeno and Renjun chasing each other, attempting to attack each other with their graduation caps tightly gripped. Donghyuck laughed.

“I guess now that you’re a _model_ , they’re too lame for you now, huh?”

Jaemin flushed in embarrassment and shoved Donghyuck on the shoulder. “Shut up! I still have to think about it.”

The two later fell into a comfortable silence between them, watching Jeno and Renjun continue fooling around. Donghyuck took a second and took his eyes off of the two to observe Jaemin, who was staring at the view with warm, gentle eyes. Donghyuck chuckled. “You love him.”

It didn’t take even half a second for Jaemin to know that Donghyuck was speaking about Renjun. “I do,” Jaemin said, still staring at Renjun with a smile. “I could have the shittiest day ever and then take one look at him, and suddenly everything will be okay.”

Jaemin turned his attention to Donghyuck and spoke again. “How are you and Jeno?”

“We’re getting there,” Donghyuck said. “Slowly, but surely.”

“That’s good.”

For once in Donghyuck and Jeno’s relationship, Donghyuck felt safe, secure, and serene, which is why Donghyuck couldn’t help but reply, “It is good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Kai and Allie for beta-reading, every input you made was immensely helpful. 
> 
> Drop by!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hellorenjuns/) | [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/hellorenjuns/)


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